Who am I?
My name is Amber Goyit, I am 21 years old. I live in Brantford, Ontario; where I was born and raised. I have a 9 year old chihuahua named Alvin. I live with my mom and my sister. My boyfriend of 4 years is Shawn Walton. We will be moving in together in a few months.
In the meantime, I have started my own dog treat business, eatz — I think it looks more cute lowercase. My business started by me wanting to make some homemade dog treats for my own dog, then it developed from there. When I'm not making treats or doing anything else for my business I am usually reading or watching a tv show. I enjoy movies, but they are never long enough. I am always wanting more of the story or the character. So, tv shows are the perfect solution for me. I haven't been reading as much as I used to this year, I'm not sure what happened. It's not as if I don't enjoy it anymore, it's just I never think of it or I'd rather be doing other things.
I like to focus on eating healthy — although it is difficult when you are still living at home and don't have much of a say for the food.
When I move out I want to be the healthiest me I can be. Both mind and body.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14. The last year or so I've been kind of thinking I actually don't have depression, but bipolar instead. I feel depressed sometimes, sometimes I feel kind of normal, and other times I feel possessed with happiness.
Lately, when I get depressed it's bad. Worse then normal. I've planned my death many times. I've never attempted or even gotten close. It's all just been thoughts. Up until a few months ago I had never even thought of suicide, I don't know what changed. When I'm normal, it's kind of like a flat line. I don't have many feelings or expressions. Like I'm a robot or android. I feel like a very dull person during those times. I wonder why anyone even likes me. When I am manic, sometimes I will probably seem just a little goofy or like I'm in a good mood — and that's what I used to think — other times I feel downright insane. I will get an idea in my head and I make it happen, I don't even feel in control of my actions or my words. I start talking quicker, and I feel like I must always be talking, so I do. I get very excited over things that aren't that exciting. I am impulsive. I'm not able to think things through logically or with reason. Last night, I bought a plant. For no good reason. I just wanted a plant so I went out and bought one. I was walking around the garden section like a mad person, making sure I was picking the most perfect plant for myself. Then I got excited about buying a new pot to put my plant in (I called it my plant's new home). I ended up naming my plant. Because what plant doesn't have a name, right? I'll continue to call my plant by it's name to remind myself I was manic when I bought it.
About two weeks ago I cut my hair. About 8 or 9 inches off. I am not a hair dresser, nor do I have experience cutting hair. But one night at 11pm it seemed like the best idea ever. I couldn't wait until the next day or even the day after that, it had to be that very moment. I had scissors, there was no reason I couldn't do it. The next morning I realized what I had done. I didn't do a terrible job, but someone who is trained in the field could have done a much better job. Now, I'm just waiting for it to grow out a bit so I can go to a hair dresser and have them even it out and fix it. Unfortunately, them fixing my hair won't fix my brain. It won't take my mania away.
Depression is something I can handle; I've been dealing with it for 7 years now. Mania is not. I don't even know if it's possible. I don't feel in control when it happens. And it can happen at any time, it's like a switch gets flipped inside of me.
