Feb. 11, 2014

I am independent. And for that reason when I am feeling down I don't want anyone's help. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I can handle it on my own, right?

As I sat there with a blanket over my head I felt the solitude I thought I needed. I push everyone around me away by doing that. When Shawn asks me what I am thinking about I don't even want to reply. He doesn't get it, I'm under the blanket that means don't talk to me. I know one day he will leave me because I don't allow him in. But being independent is the foundation of my being. I can't change that even if I wanted to.

Take back control.

Who am I?
My name is Amber Goyit, I am 21 years old. I live in Brantford, Ontario; where I was born and raised. I have a 9 year old chihuahua named Alvin. I live with my mom and my sister. My boyfriend of 4 years is Shawn Walton. We will be moving in together in a few months.

In the meantime, I have started my own dog treat business, eatz — I think it looks more cute lowercase. My business started by me wanting to make some homemade dog treats for my own dog, then it developed from there. When I'm not making treats or doing anything else for my business I am usually reading or watching a tv show. I enjoy movies, but they are never long enough. I am always wanting more of the story or the character. So, tv shows are the perfect solution for me. I haven't been reading as much as I used to this year, I'm not sure what happened. It's not as if I don't enjoy it anymore, it's just I never think of it or I'd rather be doing other things.

I like to focus on eating healthy — although it is difficult when you are still living at home and don't have much of a say for the food.

When I move out I want to be the healthiest me I can be. Both mind and body.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14. The last year or so I've been kind of thinking I actually don't have depression, but bipolar instead. I feel depressed sometimes, sometimes I feel kind of normal, and other times I feel possessed with happiness.

Lately, when I get depressed it's bad. Worse then normal. I've planned my death many times. I've never attempted or even gotten close. It's all just been thoughts. Up until a few months ago I had never even thought of suicide, I don't know what changed. When I'm normal, it's kind of like a flat line. I don't have many feelings or expressions. Like I'm a robot or android. I feel like a very dull person during those times. I wonder why anyone even likes me. When I am manic, sometimes I will probably seem just a little goofy or like I'm in a good mood — and that's what I used to think — other times I feel downright insane. I will get an idea in my head and I make it happen, I don't even feel in control of my actions or my words. I start talking quicker, and I feel like I must always be talking, so I do. I get very excited over things that aren't that exciting. I am impulsive. I'm not able to think things through logically or with reason. Last night, I bought a plant. For no good reason. I just wanted a plant so I went out and  bought one. I was walking around the garden section like a mad person, making sure I was picking the most perfect plant for myself. Then I got excited about buying a new pot to put my plant in (I called it my plant's new home). I ended up naming my plant. Because what plant doesn't have a name, right? I'll continue to call my plant by it's name to remind myself I was manic when I bought it.

About two weeks ago I cut my hair. About 8 or 9 inches off. I am not a hair dresser, nor do I have experience cutting hair. But one night at 11pm it seemed like the best idea ever. I couldn't wait until the next day or even the day after that, it had to be that very moment. I had scissors, there was no reason I couldn't do it. The next morning I realized what I had done. I didn't do a terrible job, but someone who is trained in the field could have done a much better job. Now, I'm just waiting for it to grow out a bit so I can go to a hair dresser and have them even it out and fix it. Unfortunately, them fixing my hair won't fix my brain. It won't take my mania away.

Depression is something I can handle; I've been dealing with it for 7 years now. Mania is not. I don't even know if it's possible. I don't feel in control when it happens. And it can happen at any time, it's like a switch gets flipped inside of me. 

Bipolar

Today I told my mother my doctor thinks there is a chance I have bipolar. As soon as I told my mom this she just seemed crushed. I can only imagine what she was thinking; that she failed as a parent, she didn't raise me well, or provide me with everything I needed growing up. Even though I told her there's nothing she could have done differently, I could just tell she felt defeated. She was asking me if there's anything she could be doing differently now, I told her no. There really isn't. At least I don't think so. I can't imagine any changed would affect how I feel or how my brain is "wired". 

I've thought before that I may have bipolar, but I've always reasoned with myself that I probably don't and just forgotten about it. I was diagnosed by my family doctor with clinical depression 7 years ago, so I always thought it probably is just depression not bipolar. 

It was about two weeks ago at my last appointment my doctor said he thinks I may have bipolar. He has referred me to the best psychiatrist in my city, and I am so grateful for that. This is my chance to finally find out for sure what is wrong with me, and also get the right prescription for me.

Feb. 10, 2014

Today was fairly lazy, like yesterday. I woke up pretty late to my mom calling telling me my car had been fixed after two weeks at the shop. I am happy to have a car back, but I was a little disappointed because on the weekend we had done some car shopping and I had already picked out the one I wanted, so that kind of sucked. I ate breakfast and got dressed and my mom came to pick me up from home to take me to get my car. Since I had my car back I had to walk a dog, which spoiled my plans for the day a little. When I got home I made lunch, then felt very tired so I had an hour nap. When I woke up I still felt tired and very unmotivated. I had made a list of things I wanted to get accomplished today and not many of them were checked off the list. I made myself get out of bed and made a tea in hopes to gain some energy. I felt better after so I did yoga—which I had planned on doing when I woke up this morning—it was a lot harder than it looked in the video! I was really tired after but it felt good to have done something. Then I showered (at 4pm) and got ready for the night. After that I took my sister to work, and while I was at the grocery store I picked up a few things for the dinner I was going to make Shawn and I. When I got home a read a bit then started dinner. It was very good and easy to make which I appreciated. Shawn had to work all night, so I watched some tv and a movie while he did that. I had seen the movie before, but I enjoyed it just as much as I had the first time. Overall I would say I had a content day. No meltdowns, but nothing to write home about either.

Feb. 9, 2014

This day was very lazy, not much was done. Shawn and I laid in bed for a while, then I went home to get showered. We went to Walmart to buy a movie, but they ended up not having it. Then we heated up our leftover dinner from the previous night. I watched a rom-com while Shawn worked. We then went for a 45 minute walk, then Shawn took me home and I pretty much went straight to bed. 

Overall, today I felt very content. I didn't feel any bouts of depression, unlike the previous day. 

Reminder

Every couple months or so—for whatever reason—I need to convince myself why I'm going to university. In attempts to make it easier for when I don't want to go, Shawn came up with the idea that I create a list. It will be something I can look back on when I'm feeling unsure of my decisions.

So, here goes:

1. I will have a "good" job after.

2. I will have money to do the things I enjoy outside of work.

3. The field of work interests me.

4. Increase my knowledge.

5. Have flexibility with career choices.

6. Won't regret not having post-secondary education later in life.

7. It will, hopefully, make me happier than other career choices.

8. ...

As I think of more reasons I'll add to this post. But for now this is all I have.

Past Times

Lately I've been feeling overall dissatisfied with life. I don't know why but I sort of feel in a rut I guess. 

I suppose I have no balance in my life, in my spare time that is. And this thought just occurred to me. All I ever want to do is read. Which is alright, but there is other things I enjoy doing with my time as well. Other things that simply get neglected. Photography is my main example. Mainly because I recently bought a new camera thinking it would excite me about photography again, and make me want to do it all the time. 

I've barely touched it. It hasn't seen light for at least 3 weeks. I'm utterly embarrassed by that. I call myself a photographer? I don't know why. A year ago, two years ago that would most accurately describe who I was. But who am I now? Someone who reads books constantly? I love reading, but I don't think that's how I want people to think of me. I want to be known as exciting or adventurous—which I am once I get out there—not someone who sits at home all the time to read. 

I love nature, I always have. Reading actually makes no sense for me, as much as I love it. Sure, I have lazy days, but for the most part I am too restless to not be going for a hike or trekking around a new city. 

Sometimes when I feel like I need to get back into photography it always feels too forced. I guess I think it should be something that happens naturally, but I honestly don't know how or when that would happen. Wouldn't I be doing it if that's what I really want to do? I assume yes, but I don't really know. 

Lately I've found that I find it a little boring. I've been doing it for so long that I know just how to expose the picture. I know what all the settings should be to create that certain effect. It's not challenging enough. I don't know what would be though. I feel like I've tried pretty much everything there is to experiment with. 

And this is why I'm not doing photography as a career. I know I would hate it. I shouldn't have to convince myself I like my job.