Writing a book

I don't know why, but for some reason I thought I would be able to write a book. I'm enjoying the pre-writing phase - developing the world, characters, plot, etc. But when it comes to actually writing the book I don't see how I will be able to do that. In high school I was always just an okay writer, then after high school I would write the occasional blog, but really, my writing is awful compared to what it once was. So while writing a book sounds like a good idea in theory, I just don't see how it's going to work out in practice. 

Really, I'm just not a writer. Even though I aspire to be a published author - I have no idea why - I'm just not. 

We'll see I guess. I want to give it an honest shot, I'm just concerned about wasting time only to realize in the end I should not be a writer because I suck.

September Update

I don't know why, but recently all I've wanted to do is blog. I didn't really have a topic to blog about so I figured updating my personal blog would be a good start at least. 

I am now 22, still dating Shawn, still have my dog Alvin. Shawn and I have added a new edition to our family, her name is Narumi. She is a Shiba Inu, and we rescued her from my grandma's kennel. She was supposed to be a breeding dog, but she has never had a litter of puppies. It has been a hard adjustment, but a month in and now Alvin and Narumi get along pretty well. She is in heat right now, so all Alvin wants to do is mate with her. Narumi is pretty tolerant of him, but she will snap at him if it goes on too long. He's neutered, so we don't have to worry about any puppies!

Shawn and I have started our own dog walking business. So far we are doing really well. Our first month (August 2014) we made about $500, our second month (September 2014) we have made $1000. It's not enough to live off of yet, but I feel we will get there soon. I'm really excited about our future together, and we will be starting it sooner than we expected. 

I've never read The Secret, but I am interested in this law of attraction thing. I'm still highly skeptical of it, but there has been many times when we have said something and less than a week later it has happened. I'm planning on reading the book soon; however, I'm not expecting it to change my mind immediately. 

This blog isn't exactly what I had envisioned. In the past I've always had a very specific topic that I was writing about. I just haven't had any inspiration for writing in a long time. It's something I enjoy though. I have intentions on keeping up with writing because I have a 10-year goal of writing a novel. It's something I've always wanted so I'd really love to achieve it.

An update on my mental health... I am doing well. I believe my keeping busy with the business has helped tremendously. I am currently taking a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. They've been doing pretty good for me, much better than anything I have ever taken in the past. My psychiatrist is my saviour. She did tell me that I need to be on the medication for at least 2 years though, otherwise if I relapsed it would be indefinite. Obviously that's not something I want, even though I'd rather not be on medication it's something I'm willing to do to get my life back. A year ago I don't think I ever would have thought this would be possible — to be in the state I am now. I don't think I've felt as good as I do now in 8 years or so. I still do get depressed sometimes, but it's no where near as bad or as long as it used to be. 

I think that will be it for today. Maybe I'll try to write every day, I'm just not sure if I will have enough content to do that.

Feb. 11, 2014

I am independent. And for that reason when I am feeling down I don't want anyone's help. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I can handle it on my own, right?

As I sat there with a blanket over my head I felt the solitude I thought I needed. I push everyone around me away by doing that. When Shawn asks me what I am thinking about I don't even want to reply. He doesn't get it, I'm under the blanket that means don't talk to me. I know one day he will leave me because I don't allow him in. But being independent is the foundation of my being. I can't change that even if I wanted to.

Take back control.

Who am I?
My name is Amber Goyit, I am 21 years old. I live in Brantford, Ontario; where I was born and raised. I have a 9 year old chihuahua named Alvin. I live with my mom and my sister. My boyfriend of 4 years is Shawn Walton. We will be moving in together in a few months.

In the meantime, I have started my own dog treat business, eatz — I think it looks more cute lowercase. My business started by me wanting to make some homemade dog treats for my own dog, then it developed from there. When I'm not making treats or doing anything else for my business I am usually reading or watching a tv show. I enjoy movies, but they are never long enough. I am always wanting more of the story or the character. So, tv shows are the perfect solution for me. I haven't been reading as much as I used to this year, I'm not sure what happened. It's not as if I don't enjoy it anymore, it's just I never think of it or I'd rather be doing other things.

I like to focus on eating healthy — although it is difficult when you are still living at home and don't have much of a say for the food.

When I move out I want to be the healthiest me I can be. Both mind and body.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14. The last year or so I've been kind of thinking I actually don't have depression, but bipolar instead. I feel depressed sometimes, sometimes I feel kind of normal, and other times I feel possessed with happiness.

Lately, when I get depressed it's bad. Worse then normal. I've planned my death many times. I've never attempted or even gotten close. It's all just been thoughts. Up until a few months ago I had never even thought of suicide, I don't know what changed. When I'm normal, it's kind of like a flat line. I don't have many feelings or expressions. Like I'm a robot or android. I feel like a very dull person during those times. I wonder why anyone even likes me. When I am manic, sometimes I will probably seem just a little goofy or like I'm in a good mood — and that's what I used to think — other times I feel downright insane. I will get an idea in my head and I make it happen, I don't even feel in control of my actions or my words. I start talking quicker, and I feel like I must always be talking, so I do. I get very excited over things that aren't that exciting. I am impulsive. I'm not able to think things through logically or with reason. Last night, I bought a plant. For no good reason. I just wanted a plant so I went out and  bought one. I was walking around the garden section like a mad person, making sure I was picking the most perfect plant for myself. Then I got excited about buying a new pot to put my plant in (I called it my plant's new home). I ended up naming my plant. Because what plant doesn't have a name, right? I'll continue to call my plant by it's name to remind myself I was manic when I bought it.

About two weeks ago I cut my hair. About 8 or 9 inches off. I am not a hair dresser, nor do I have experience cutting hair. But one night at 11pm it seemed like the best idea ever. I couldn't wait until the next day or even the day after that, it had to be that very moment. I had scissors, there was no reason I couldn't do it. The next morning I realized what I had done. I didn't do a terrible job, but someone who is trained in the field could have done a much better job. Now, I'm just waiting for it to grow out a bit so I can go to a hair dresser and have them even it out and fix it. Unfortunately, them fixing my hair won't fix my brain. It won't take my mania away.

Depression is something I can handle; I've been dealing with it for 7 years now. Mania is not. I don't even know if it's possible. I don't feel in control when it happens. And it can happen at any time, it's like a switch gets flipped inside of me. 

Bipolar

Today I told my mother my doctor thinks there is a chance I have bipolar. As soon as I told my mom this she just seemed crushed. I can only imagine what she was thinking; that she failed as a parent, she didn't raise me well, or provide me with everything I needed growing up. Even though I told her there's nothing she could have done differently, I could just tell she felt defeated. She was asking me if there's anything she could be doing differently now, I told her no. There really isn't. At least I don't think so. I can't imagine any changed would affect how I feel or how my brain is "wired". 

I've thought before that I may have bipolar, but I've always reasoned with myself that I probably don't and just forgotten about it. I was diagnosed by my family doctor with clinical depression 7 years ago, so I always thought it probably is just depression not bipolar. 

It was about two weeks ago at my last appointment my doctor said he thinks I may have bipolar. He has referred me to the best psychiatrist in my city, and I am so grateful for that. This is my chance to finally find out for sure what is wrong with me, and also get the right prescription for me.

Feb. 10, 2014

Today was fairly lazy, like yesterday. I woke up pretty late to my mom calling telling me my car had been fixed after two weeks at the shop. I am happy to have a car back, but I was a little disappointed because on the weekend we had done some car shopping and I had already picked out the one I wanted, so that kind of sucked. I ate breakfast and got dressed and my mom came to pick me up from home to take me to get my car. Since I had my car back I had to walk a dog, which spoiled my plans for the day a little. When I got home I made lunch, then felt very tired so I had an hour nap. When I woke up I still felt tired and very unmotivated. I had made a list of things I wanted to get accomplished today and not many of them were checked off the list. I made myself get out of bed and made a tea in hopes to gain some energy. I felt better after so I did yoga—which I had planned on doing when I woke up this morning—it was a lot harder than it looked in the video! I was really tired after but it felt good to have done something. Then I showered (at 4pm) and got ready for the night. After that I took my sister to work, and while I was at the grocery store I picked up a few things for the dinner I was going to make Shawn and I. When I got home a read a bit then started dinner. It was very good and easy to make which I appreciated. Shawn had to work all night, so I watched some tv and a movie while he did that. I had seen the movie before, but I enjoyed it just as much as I had the first time. Overall I would say I had a content day. No meltdowns, but nothing to write home about either.

Feb. 9, 2014

This day was very lazy, not much was done. Shawn and I laid in bed for a while, then I went home to get showered. We went to Walmart to buy a movie, but they ended up not having it. Then we heated up our leftover dinner from the previous night. I watched a rom-com while Shawn worked. We then went for a 45 minute walk, then Shawn took me home and I pretty much went straight to bed. 

Overall, today I felt very content. I didn't feel any bouts of depression, unlike the previous day. 

Reminder

Every couple months or so—for whatever reason—I need to convince myself why I'm going to university. In attempts to make it easier for when I don't want to go, Shawn came up with the idea that I create a list. It will be something I can look back on when I'm feeling unsure of my decisions.

So, here goes:

1. I will have a "good" job after.

2. I will have money to do the things I enjoy outside of work.

3. The field of work interests me.

4. Increase my knowledge.

5. Have flexibility with career choices.

6. Won't regret not having post-secondary education later in life.

7. It will, hopefully, make me happier than other career choices.

8. ...

As I think of more reasons I'll add to this post. But for now this is all I have.

Past Times

Lately I've been feeling overall dissatisfied with life. I don't know why but I sort of feel in a rut I guess. 

I suppose I have no balance in my life, in my spare time that is. And this thought just occurred to me. All I ever want to do is read. Which is alright, but there is other things I enjoy doing with my time as well. Other things that simply get neglected. Photography is my main example. Mainly because I recently bought a new camera thinking it would excite me about photography again, and make me want to do it all the time. 

I've barely touched it. It hasn't seen light for at least 3 weeks. I'm utterly embarrassed by that. I call myself a photographer? I don't know why. A year ago, two years ago that would most accurately describe who I was. But who am I now? Someone who reads books constantly? I love reading, but I don't think that's how I want people to think of me. I want to be known as exciting or adventurous—which I am once I get out there—not someone who sits at home all the time to read. 

I love nature, I always have. Reading actually makes no sense for me, as much as I love it. Sure, I have lazy days, but for the most part I am too restless to not be going for a hike or trekking around a new city. 

Sometimes when I feel like I need to get back into photography it always feels too forced. I guess I think it should be something that happens naturally, but I honestly don't know how or when that would happen. Wouldn't I be doing it if that's what I really want to do? I assume yes, but I don't really know. 

Lately I've found that I find it a little boring. I've been doing it for so long that I know just how to expose the picture. I know what all the settings should be to create that certain effect. It's not challenging enough. I don't know what would be though. I feel like I've tried pretty much everything there is to experiment with. 

And this is why I'm not doing photography as a career. I know I would hate it. I shouldn't have to convince myself I like my job. 

Express your feelings

My entire life I have struggled with expressing how I felt inside; it has always felt second-nature to me to keep it to myself. As you can imagine this creates huge problems. Bottling emotions up really is as bad as everyone says it is. The feelings just expand and grow. You're constantly thinking about that emotion and why you feel that way and really that does nothing but make that feeling almost unbearable. 

Expressing the emotion when you feel it allows it to pass and be resolved quickly. 

I feel enlightened. It's such a simple, obvious concept; yet so foreign to me. 

I've made a promise to myself to make a conscious effort to express my emotions as I feel them. I feel I've made my life so much more complicated than necessary because I bottle everything up, eventually I blow up. 

I believe this will relieve any tension in relationships I have with people. It will allow me to be more open with them, so we are always on the same page.  

Love for reading

It's no secret that I love reading. I've been an avid reader for about a year now, and I'm just as hooked as I was when I started. I don't really remember what got me started, but I remember just the book that did it for me, Divergent by Veronica Roth. Still one of the best books (series) I've ever read. Once I read that I was just hungry for more, specifically more teen fiction/ distopia science fiction. I think I've read every good one out there. 

I haven't gotten sick of science fictions but I was ready for a change so recently I've been reading just teen fiction. Colleen Hoover to be more specific. I read Slammed first then Point of Retreat. I thought they were both amazing. Inspiring almost. Currently I'm reading Hopeless, her stand alone novel. As of right now I'm really hoping she's working on book two! I'm also wondering where she has been all my life. 

You can friend me on Goodreads if that tickles your fancy: http://www.goodreads.com/user/show/8854618-amber

Happiness

I wish I could preach about how to find happiness in this blog, but the truth is; I'm still struggling to find it myself. I've been struggling with depression my whole life—but who isn't, right? Along the way I think I lost myself. 

Lately that's been my struggle. Who am I?

Whenever I think about who I am, I immediately go to who I used to be, and sometimes I feel that's how I am now, but I know that's not true. The last few years I have just felt like nobody. I have no life in me. 

When asked what my interests are, I come to a blank. I don't have interests. But what kind of person doesn't have interests? I often think that, and I don't know what happened. I have made attempts to have new hobbies but I get bored of it very easily, and nothing ever sticks. So, what's wrong with me?

I wish I knew the answer.

CUT THE CRAP

So that next blog post just never came... I'm really bad at blogging but I'd really like to get back into it for reasons I'll explain later in this post. 

Firstly, I am no longer in school. I knew after about a month going into Marketing wasn't the right career choice for me. Looking back, and using the knowledge I gained trying to figure out what is a good career choice for me, I've realized that it really wasn't right for me. It wouldn't have used the skills I have now, so I would have ended up failing or struggling to keep up. I do believe I have found a good option for me though. I've decided I will go to school to for a Paralegal program. It's definitely not the most exciting career out there, but I will likely succeed in it. I won't be taking the program for a year and 9 months because I will have to move away from home to take it, so I'd like to give myself adequate time to save enough money. So that's my plan as far as school/career go!

The reason I want to get back into blogging and just writing in general is to keep my brain sharp and active since I'm no longer in school. Also so I can beat my boyfriend at Scrabble.

CUT THE CRAP lifestyle!

I have a "New Year Resolution". So far I have stuck to it pretty well. Basically it's cutting out processed, refined sugar and foods with loads of chemicals. At this time, for me, cutting out the sugar is the most important thing. My father has type 2 diabetes so I am considered high risk for developing it. Cutting out those sugars will reduce my risk, and that is my ultimate goal; to not develop diabetes. 

For example, if I am hungry instead of reaching for those cookies I'll grab a piece of fruit. Yes, that fruit has sugar, but they're natural and way easier for your pancreas to handle. Or if I'm baking something that calls for sugar I'll substitute the refined white sugar for raw sugar. 

I have been making a more conscious effort to read the ingredient labels, once I see the big long list of chemicals I pretty much lose my appetite. This lifestyle definitely gets you to cook more, because then you know exactly what you're putting in your body. Your body will thank you for being kind to it. Then you will be happier. Isn't that what everyone wants? 

You may wonder what my inspiration is for this sudden change, and that would be this documentary called Hungry For Change. If you have the desire to watch it I would definitely recommend it. 

I think that will be all for today. Please leave me a comment if you have decided to try this lifestyle. I'd love to hear your story and continue giving tips on how to make the change.

Hello everyone!

I'm writing you from my school today. I have an hour break before my next class. 

Today has been just okay. So far I have had Communications and Accounting and I have Economics next. 

I'm having to take 7 classes this semester and it is very stressful, let me tell you!

Since day 1 there has always been something due in all the classes, it's a little outrageous. There's simply not enough time to do everything. I've noticed that the subject I've been neglecting is Math. Specifically the assigned homework that isn't for marks. I know that they would be beneficial to do but I would rather do the work that I am getting credit for. 

Working while in school is one of the hardest things to do, but it's almost necessary with tuition, gas, insurance, etc. It sucks. Yet, here I am doing this instead of work that needs to be done. Oh well. Everyone needs some down time. I suppose this and reading would be mine. 

I'm currently reading Uglies by Scott Westerfeld, so far it's really slow, but I love the idea of the story so I'm hoping it picks up. I'm only on page 50 so it still deserves a fair chance. Lately I've been returning most of the books I take out from the library because they have not been grabbing my attention. I hope this isn't another of them. I did recently purchase two books that I will read after Uglies is due back. I bought Tilt by Ellen Hopkins (love her!) and Beneath the Glitter by Elle and Blair Fowler. I'm looking forward to reading both. 

Well I think that's all for today, talk to you in my next post!

Get to know me

Hello anyone interested in knowing anything about me. 

I am 20 years old. I'm studying Marketing at Mohawk College. And I have no previous knowledge to marketing but so far I'm loving my classes. I work part-time at Quiznos Subs to support the costs of driving to school and tuition. My boyfriend, Shawn, is studying Advertising at Mohawk College, so we are getting into a very similar field. 

I have a old blog that you've probably never seen but I decided to make a new account because there is some older, immature posts on that account. 

This blog will mainly be about my life, anything I find interesting, possibly cooking blogs, photography. We'll see. 

Speaking of interests, I have been interested in photography pretty much my whole life. So much so that I took Photography at Fanshawe College last year. In the end I did not like the program, the professors, or the other students. It wasn't the right career choice for me so I took a few months to figure out what I wanted to do for the rest of my life. I found it by taking General Business at Mohawk College. I also enjoy baking, but I hardly have the time for it anymore with school and work. I really enjoy reading as well. I even had a book review blog going for a while but I didn't really enjoy that. 

If you have any questions about me or anything really, leave a comment below and I'll respond in my next post (as long as it's an appropriate question).

Talk to you soon!