Writing a book

I don't know why, but for some reason I thought I would be able to write a book. I'm enjoying the pre-writing phase - developing the world, characters, plot, etc. But when it comes to actually writing the book I don't see how I will be able to do that. In high school I was always just an okay writer, then after high school I would write the occasional blog, but really, my writing is awful compared to what it once was. So while writing a book sounds like a good idea in theory, I just don't see how it's going to work out in practice. 

Really, I'm just not a writer. Even though I aspire to be a published author - I have no idea why - I'm just not. 

We'll see I guess. I want to give it an honest shot, I'm just concerned about wasting time only to realize in the end I should not be a writer because I suck.

September Update

I don't know why, but recently all I've wanted to do is blog. I didn't really have a topic to blog about so I figured updating my personal blog would be a good start at least. 

I am now 22, still dating Shawn, still have my dog Alvin. Shawn and I have added a new edition to our family, her name is Narumi. She is a Shiba Inu, and we rescued her from my grandma's kennel. She was supposed to be a breeding dog, but she has never had a litter of puppies. It has been a hard adjustment, but a month in and now Alvin and Narumi get along pretty well. She is in heat right now, so all Alvin wants to do is mate with her. Narumi is pretty tolerant of him, but she will snap at him if it goes on too long. He's neutered, so we don't have to worry about any puppies!

Shawn and I have started our own dog walking business. So far we are doing really well. Our first month (August 2014) we made about $500, our second month (September 2014) we have made $1000. It's not enough to live off of yet, but I feel we will get there soon. I'm really excited about our future together, and we will be starting it sooner than we expected. 

I've never read The Secret, but I am interested in this law of attraction thing. I'm still highly skeptical of it, but there has been many times when we have said something and less than a week later it has happened. I'm planning on reading the book soon; however, I'm not expecting it to change my mind immediately. 

This blog isn't exactly what I had envisioned. In the past I've always had a very specific topic that I was writing about. I just haven't had any inspiration for writing in a long time. It's something I enjoy though. I have intentions on keeping up with writing because I have a 10-year goal of writing a novel. It's something I've always wanted so I'd really love to achieve it.

An update on my mental health... I am doing well. I believe my keeping busy with the business has helped tremendously. I am currently taking a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. They've been doing pretty good for me, much better than anything I have ever taken in the past. My psychiatrist is my saviour. She did tell me that I need to be on the medication for at least 2 years though, otherwise if I relapsed it would be indefinite. Obviously that's not something I want, even though I'd rather not be on medication it's something I'm willing to do to get my life back. A year ago I don't think I ever would have thought this would be possible — to be in the state I am now. I don't think I've felt as good as I do now in 8 years or so. I still do get depressed sometimes, but it's no where near as bad or as long as it used to be. 

I think that will be it for today. Maybe I'll try to write every day, I'm just not sure if I will have enough content to do that.

Feb. 11, 2014

I am independent. And for that reason when I am feeling down I don't want anyone's help. I don't want to talk about it with anyone. I can handle it on my own, right?

As I sat there with a blanket over my head I felt the solitude I thought I needed. I push everyone around me away by doing that. When Shawn asks me what I am thinking about I don't even want to reply. He doesn't get it, I'm under the blanket that means don't talk to me. I know one day he will leave me because I don't allow him in. But being independent is the foundation of my being. I can't change that even if I wanted to.

Take back control.

Who am I?
My name is Amber Goyit, I am 21 years old. I live in Brantford, Ontario; where I was born and raised. I have a 9 year old chihuahua named Alvin. I live with my mom and my sister. My boyfriend of 4 years is Shawn Walton. We will be moving in together in a few months.

In the meantime, I have started my own dog treat business, eatz — I think it looks more cute lowercase. My business started by me wanting to make some homemade dog treats for my own dog, then it developed from there. When I'm not making treats or doing anything else for my business I am usually reading or watching a tv show. I enjoy movies, but they are never long enough. I am always wanting more of the story or the character. So, tv shows are the perfect solution for me. I haven't been reading as much as I used to this year, I'm not sure what happened. It's not as if I don't enjoy it anymore, it's just I never think of it or I'd rather be doing other things.

I like to focus on eating healthy — although it is difficult when you are still living at home and don't have much of a say for the food.

When I move out I want to be the healthiest me I can be. Both mind and body.

I was diagnosed with depression when I was 14. The last year or so I've been kind of thinking I actually don't have depression, but bipolar instead. I feel depressed sometimes, sometimes I feel kind of normal, and other times I feel possessed with happiness.

Lately, when I get depressed it's bad. Worse then normal. I've planned my death many times. I've never attempted or even gotten close. It's all just been thoughts. Up until a few months ago I had never even thought of suicide, I don't know what changed. When I'm normal, it's kind of like a flat line. I don't have many feelings or expressions. Like I'm a robot or android. I feel like a very dull person during those times. I wonder why anyone even likes me. When I am manic, sometimes I will probably seem just a little goofy or like I'm in a good mood — and that's what I used to think — other times I feel downright insane. I will get an idea in my head and I make it happen, I don't even feel in control of my actions or my words. I start talking quicker, and I feel like I must always be talking, so I do. I get very excited over things that aren't that exciting. I am impulsive. I'm not able to think things through logically or with reason. Last night, I bought a plant. For no good reason. I just wanted a plant so I went out and  bought one. I was walking around the garden section like a mad person, making sure I was picking the most perfect plant for myself. Then I got excited about buying a new pot to put my plant in (I called it my plant's new home). I ended up naming my plant. Because what plant doesn't have a name, right? I'll continue to call my plant by it's name to remind myself I was manic when I bought it.

About two weeks ago I cut my hair. About 8 or 9 inches off. I am not a hair dresser, nor do I have experience cutting hair. But one night at 11pm it seemed like the best idea ever. I couldn't wait until the next day or even the day after that, it had to be that very moment. I had scissors, there was no reason I couldn't do it. The next morning I realized what I had done. I didn't do a terrible job, but someone who is trained in the field could have done a much better job. Now, I'm just waiting for it to grow out a bit so I can go to a hair dresser and have them even it out and fix it. Unfortunately, them fixing my hair won't fix my brain. It won't take my mania away.

Depression is something I can handle; I've been dealing with it for 7 years now. Mania is not. I don't even know if it's possible. I don't feel in control when it happens. And it can happen at any time, it's like a switch gets flipped inside of me. 

Bipolar

Today I told my mother my doctor thinks there is a chance I have bipolar. As soon as I told my mom this she just seemed crushed. I can only imagine what she was thinking; that she failed as a parent, she didn't raise me well, or provide me with everything I needed growing up. Even though I told her there's nothing she could have done differently, I could just tell she felt defeated. She was asking me if there's anything she could be doing differently now, I told her no. There really isn't. At least I don't think so. I can't imagine any changed would affect how I feel or how my brain is "wired". 

I've thought before that I may have bipolar, but I've always reasoned with myself that I probably don't and just forgotten about it. I was diagnosed by my family doctor with clinical depression 7 years ago, so I always thought it probably is just depression not bipolar. 

It was about two weeks ago at my last appointment my doctor said he thinks I may have bipolar. He has referred me to the best psychiatrist in my city, and I am so grateful for that. This is my chance to finally find out for sure what is wrong with me, and also get the right prescription for me.

Feb. 10, 2014

Today was fairly lazy, like yesterday. I woke up pretty late to my mom calling telling me my car had been fixed after two weeks at the shop. I am happy to have a car back, but I was a little disappointed because on the weekend we had done some car shopping and I had already picked out the one I wanted, so that kind of sucked. I ate breakfast and got dressed and my mom came to pick me up from home to take me to get my car. Since I had my car back I had to walk a dog, which spoiled my plans for the day a little. When I got home I made lunch, then felt very tired so I had an hour nap. When I woke up I still felt tired and very unmotivated. I had made a list of things I wanted to get accomplished today and not many of them were checked off the list. I made myself get out of bed and made a tea in hopes to gain some energy. I felt better after so I did yoga—which I had planned on doing when I woke up this morning—it was a lot harder than it looked in the video! I was really tired after but it felt good to have done something. Then I showered (at 4pm) and got ready for the night. After that I took my sister to work, and while I was at the grocery store I picked up a few things for the dinner I was going to make Shawn and I. When I got home a read a bit then started dinner. It was very good and easy to make which I appreciated. Shawn had to work all night, so I watched some tv and a movie while he did that. I had seen the movie before, but I enjoyed it just as much as I had the first time. Overall I would say I had a content day. No meltdowns, but nothing to write home about either.

Feb. 9, 2014

This day was very lazy, not much was done. Shawn and I laid in bed for a while, then I went home to get showered. We went to Walmart to buy a movie, but they ended up not having it. Then we heated up our leftover dinner from the previous night. I watched a rom-com while Shawn worked. We then went for a 45 minute walk, then Shawn took me home and I pretty much went straight to bed. 

Overall, today I felt very content. I didn't feel any bouts of depression, unlike the previous day.